Well, he-llo!

It's been like a month since the last time I posted something, I think. Nothing much has changed since the last time, except that I am so much calmed down and less stressed.

Huh, well, I guess that A LOT has changed, then :D

I've been working really hard, and studying really hard. I even did my thesis pre-project (I don't even know how it's called in English), and I hope it'll be approved and I can carry on with that line of investigation.

My personal life, as always, is on hold. Sometimes I fear that, while trying to make a career for myself and dedicating so much effort to improving my academic degree, I'm losing the opportunity to... I don't know what, but I'm definitely missing on something.

But then again, "there's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me", right?

I joined a gym, and I'm trying to adjust it to my already crazy schedule (work from 7 to 5 and weekend classes, I'm feeling a bit over-worked here). So far, so good. I am seriously trying to get myself in shape. I'm even doing a pseudo diet (cutting down the bread and desserts, things like that). So far, so good on that one too.

I think I'll start a novel or something. I need a creative outlet too.

I find myself worrying more and more. I'm kind of paranoid here, what with all the symptoms I'm experiencing. What worries me the most is that I have them ALL. And I'm conscious about it, I just want to know how to FIX it!

Symptoms of Depression:

• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism.
• You feel that life has/is 'passing you by'.
• You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness.
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood.
• You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy.
• You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
• You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
• Loss of interest in previously pleasurable activities.
• You feel a burden to others.
• You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.
• You feel you have no confidence.
• You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again.

Some more Severe Symptoms of Depression include:

• Thoughts about death or suicide.
• Increased heart beat
• Poor concentration, memory or attention.

Symptoms needed to meet criteria for 'depressive episode' in ICD-10:

A
Depressed Mood
Loss of interest and enjoyment
Reduced energy and decreased activity

B
Reduced concentration
Reduced self esteem and confidence
Ideas of guilt and unworthyness
Pessimistic thoughts
Disturbed sleep
Diminished apetite
Ideas of self harm

• Mild depressive episode - at least 2 of A and atleast 2 of B
• Moderate depressive episode - at least 2 of A and atleast 3 of B
• Severe depressive episode - all 3 of A and atleast 4 of B

I'm depressed.

I can't pinpoint exactly what it is that makes me depressed, because there are several things that have that effect right now. For starters, I am TIRED (even though I'm on vacation right now). I'm tired of... I don't know, life. I am TIRED of my postgraduate classes, of working on my thesis dissertation, of my job, of my family, of my whole environment. And that SUCKS.

I'm also feeling really lonely lately. I haven't had a boyfriend in like forever since my ex left the country, and I really REALLY miss being in a couple (I miss him too, of course, but it's not like I want to go back to him). And well, I miss all the things that come with a relationship. Not just the physical part, though I miss that very much, but, the company, the familiarity, everything. I want that, I NEED that. And it's not like I'm all alone in the world, I have my friends, but it's just not the same.... Besides, right now we're kind of.... tired of each other, I think. I mean, I love them to bits and pieces, but I'm tired of always doing the same things.

I need to meet new people.

Star light, star bright, where the hell is Mr. Right?

That's another thing that makes me depressed: I'm not gorgeous, I am aware of that. I'm not even really pretty, just kind of. I'm... ok, I guess. Acceptable, tolerable. I'm also kinda fat. But I'm wicked smart, and funny, and I have lots of things to share with people. So why is it that I have so many friends yet no man is interested on me otherwise? Everybody tells me that I shouldn't try to change myself in order to get a man, but then they tell me that I intimidate people with my attitude or my personality. I cannot, for the life of dogs, understand it. My male friends tell me that I'm cute and pretty and even sexy, but why doesn't any other male tell me so? That, I conclude, depresses me a lot.

By the way, a conclusion is the place where you're just tired of thinking.

Enough rambling for the day, I wanna go wallow in self-pity.

I spent three delightful days at the beach with my best friend and his girlfriend. I had a lot of fun hanging with them. I'll miss them both a lot when they move out of the country after their wedding!

I’ve been feeling… empty, these days. There’s something missing in my life, and I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is. I have a lot of friends but I don’t have a boyfriend. I have a job that I enjoy but I don’t get paid enough money. I have good grades in courses that I don’t really care for. My best friend Leo is getting married with an amazing girl, and I’m jealous because I want that, I want someone to share my life with. Maybe not a husband (yet), but I would like to have a partner. I’ve been spending a lot of time with a group of friends, and I enjoy my time with them, I do, it’s just… Bah, I don’t know…

Well, my pseudo-thesis paper is ready to be delivered, the power point slides are ready to be presented, and I'm escaping class tomorrow at 11 to go to Caracas. I refuse to let this "studying" thing take away all the fun from my life! XD So I'm going to Avalancha, a convention of freaky things related to manganime, videogames, comics, roleplaying games and Japanese culture. I have to find my camera and buy some batteries!

Just finished with the first and second chapter of my MSc thesis. I think (I'm sure) it's lacking, because it's more of a project of thesis than a thesis, but this is what I'm presenting to the teacher. I'm not planning on going crazy typing a hundred pages, because this is for Saturday, and anyway, the whole project is still taking shape in my head.

There is really a difference between loving someone and being in love with them?

And I'm grateful for that. I've been sick (bloody flu!) for like a month and a half now, and it's bloody exhausting! On the other hand, I'm glad I returned to teaching. As exhausting as it is, I think this is really what I was born to do. Not that I dislike office jobs, not quite that, but I have to admit, routines are not exactly my forte, and being inside a classroom with 20 little devils is the farthest thing from routine that I could imagine (except for being a rock and roll superstar, I guess, but that's another thing XD).

Next school year I'll be in charge of teaching 3rd, 4th, 5th and 11th year. 11th year will prove a challenge, I think, but I'm definitely up to it!