Nothing more than feelings.


I have news: My best friend, with who I'm sorta in love, is getting married in December, and leaving the country after that.

I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I'm *happy* for him. If that's what he wants, then he has my whole support.

I know his girlfriend/soon to be bride, she's a lovely girl, and I know they can have a long, happy marriage, if they both work hard on it, but it doesn't mean that I'm happy about losing my best friend.

Then there's this other thing, that I don't know how to define either, and it's that I feel... I don't know, 'void', empty. I feel lonely and kinda sad, and not just because he's getting married, hell, it's not even because I'm jealous of her, it's because I'm jealous of HIM!

I'm jealous because I want that too. I want someone to share my life with, unconditional devotion and surrender to one another... I don't think I'm asking too much, am I?

I want love, that's all. I want the love that shares toothbrushes and has to worry about paying bills and going to the supermarket and cuddles on the weekends to watch a movie or just talk about everything and anything. I want a partner in crime, a pillow and a cover, a person who would hold me and who I can hold. Someone to share joy and sadness, I want a friend who understands how important it is for me to have pets and rescue stray cats and dogs. Someone who would challenge me and make want to be the best I can be, and someone who I can inspire to be better.

Am I really asking for too much?

I'm tired, oh, I'm so damn tired of being alone...

I have friends, loads of them. I don't think I can handle having any more friends. But... It's just not the same...

This is a story about a boy I love, but I'm not in love with.

This is the story of a boy so broken that I want to help him and I don't know how.

The boy now is worried, oh, so worried, because his ex girlfriend is maybe sick, and the sickness is AIDS. He is going out of his mind with worry, and I can't help but be worried too, because if there's even the slightest chance that he'd be sick, I don't know what he'd do. And not only for himself, but for her, because he still loves her deeply.

So how does the story go?

The maiden in cargo pants and white gum converse shoes will take the worried boy to the doctor so he can get tested, and will patiently wait with him for the results. When the results come back, she'll be there to celebrate that he's not sick.

And I had a lot of fun. My throat feels kind of raw, but I guess it's because it had been such a long time since I spoke to a full classroom... Teaching is definitely my botox, my collagen, the thing that keeps me young. I know, I know that this is bound to bore me at some point, as it already happened, but I think if I ever stop again, it'll be just temporarily. I seriously think that this is my calling. Being inside an office the whole day is certainly not what I want to do with my life!

I start teaching again tomorrow.

And if I were any happier, I'd explode!

YAY!

Allow me to start in the beginning:

Jorge is the youngest brother of my very best friend, Leopoldo, who now lives in a different city, so I don't have him near as much as I'd like to. I have known Jorge since he was like, 10 years old, that is, I met him about 13 years ago. Since the beginning he has been a sweet, lovely boy to me, which he wasn't to the rest of the gang, so I have a special love for him. He's like the little brother I never had, and I am like his big sister.

Which is really, really funny when you see us, because I'm 4'9''  and he's 6'10''.

Anyway, I ramble.

Lately, he's been sad and depressed, and he was SO not like that. But I have to rewind in his story to get to the point.

He had a girlfriend, a beautiful girl, and she was her first girlfriend. Her first everything, actually. The relationship lasted 2 years. I have to say that when they first got into it, he was 19 to 20 and she was 14 or 15, I don't remember. But she was YOUNG.

He was really in love. Still is. But she broke his heart, several times, actually, and he was left into pieces.

I actually had had some months without spending time with him, but one day he called me and invited me to play role games in his house, with some other guys, friends of him. So I went and played, and after that we kept the long lost contact (let me inform that I'm five years older than him, so it's not like we hanged with the same crew or anything like that. And as I said, I'm his middle brother's best friend, we were not exactly "friends", we were more like cousins who didn't see each other all the time).

And well, I did say that I have always seen him like my little brother. So since we started talking more and hanging out, he has started telling me stuff, like why he broke up with his girlfriend (she was supposed to leave the country, then she didn't, then she cheated on him, then they became a couple again, and THEN they finally broke up. Not a pretty story), how he feels about himself (he has the lowest self-esteem of the world! I keep telling him that he's an attractive guy, he just needs to lose some weight, and he insists that I'm lying, that I just say that because I love him), about the girls he like (lately he has liked three, but he loses interest if the girl doesn't respond quickly. Plus he's always saying that girls are not going to pay attention to him because he's fat and ugly), about how frustrated he is with his job, what he wants to do with his life, etc. And I do the same with him, so we are good friends now.

My best friend isn't here, I need someone to talk to, alright? Jeez!

Anyway, he's been... well, moody, to say the least, these last couple of months, but these past two weeks have been specially awful: He met his ex at the mall, and it was, well, not pretty. She had forgotten all about his birthday (actually, all of his old friends did. They went on a trip to the beach and didn't even text him. They remembered after four days! If MY friends forgot about MY birthday, well, they wouldn't be my friends anymore, that's for sure!), but then she walked up to him, gave him a peck on the cheek, said "Happy Birthday" and walked away, just like that. And he was like "WTF?!!".

Considering that he still loves her, that was a HUGE slap on the face. Just that day he had been talking about how angry he was with his friends for forgetting his B-Day, and with her, because when it was her birthday he at least sent her a text message, but how could she forget so easily, and all of that. And after that she's been calling him and insisting that they be friends again, until he exploded and said "I CAN'T BE YOUR FRIEND BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, DAMN IT", and again, it was NOT pretty.

I can't help it, I go all mother hen whenever Jorge is involved. I get all overprotective, and right now I'm really frustrated because I want to help him OH-SO-MUCH, but I don't know how! I don't know what to do to make him feel better about himself, about the whole situation... I have a new habit, though, and he taught me that: now I tell him that I love him every time I get the chance. I even send him random messages to say that I love him. And I don't do it just for him, I do it with a lot of my friends, with my parents, my sister...

I never thought that telling people that you love them could feel so good, and could make them feel so good. I shall never stop doing it.

So, in the end, I wrote all of this waiting for some kind of enlightenment, but I'm right where I started...

Can anybody give me at least an idea?

That's right, I quit my job yesterday and I'm HAPPY about it. I don't know if I'll get a new job soon (I certainly hope so!) but for the sake of my mind, for my inner peace and even for my health, I had to get out of there.

I'm not totally out since I have to do a four weeks notice, but on April 24th I'll be free.

YAY!

I am awfully behind in a paper due Saturday! It's about Innovation and how it affects organizations in different levels. My head is elsewhere, I can't focus on it. It´s not like I don´t know what I´m supposed to answer, is more like I can´t be bothered with it, it really is an annoying feeling.

First, Me and my best friend Leo are going to open a PR/Marketing company. He'll do designs and stuff and I'll do managing stuff. I'm still not sure of what we're doing, but I'll give it my best.

Second, I have decided to go to Spain this year. I'll probably go around May-June. Maybe I'll spend my birthday there!

Third, and this is quite big, I'm planning to move out of the country in 2 years tops. I'm thinking Australia is a good place to find my fortune.

That's it.

I've been out of my house a lot this week, since Tuesday afternoon.

I went out for coffee with Dayana, who accompanied me to buy Alex's gift and then we spent like three hours talking in a coffee shop. I missed that. I miss having my friends around...

Then I went to Leo's place. The thing was supposed to be like this: I was going to Leo's to give him his present, then I was going to Ch2's to play Final Fantasy XII and stuff, but I ended up staying at Leo's. Juan Daniel came too, with Mirosly, who is his girlfriend now, and I can't seem to connect the two in my brain, it's just too weird.They make a cute couple and all, but it's just all to weird. So we played Texas Hold 'em and had fun just talking and joking, and they left at two in the morning. After that, I was really NOT sleepy, so we talked (Leo, Jorge (a.k.a. Bunny), Daniela and me) until 3 something. Dani fell asleep and Leo went to bed too, so Bunny and I watched The Prestige, which ended at 5.46am. That's when I went to sleep. I slept till 11.45am, and I hanged around until 2.30, when Leo drove me to Jorge and Karina's place, where I had lunch with them and Dayana. We had SO MUCH FUN! awww, I miss them soooo much, it almost hurts! They're my friends, my crew, my kindred spirits, and I miss them a lot. At 7.30 Jorge drove me to Alexis' place, and at the door there were Leo and Daniela again. We played Scene it? Disney version, and Alexis beat the crap out of us, LOL! Funny how a gay guy knows more Disney than me, ROTFLOL! After that, we watched [REC], a Spanish horror movie, and I stayed there for the night. The next day I came back home, took a shower, had lunch (pasta salad, oh-so-yummy!) and went back to Alexis' place. I played Final Fantasy XII, but the dungeon is so damn hard! So the boss (Hashmal) beat me like four times and I gave up. I played a little Animal Crossing (so useless, yet so addicting!) and we all went to Cafemania to have dinner. After that we went to Leo's place to play Scene it? Disney and Original Versions, and I beat everybody to the floor, oh, yeah, I rule! I stayed at Leo's place, and went to bed at 3.30am, and woke up today at 6.15am, then Ebert picked me up at 7.15am and we went to work. He brought me Final Fantasy III and IV for DS from the US, yay! I caught up on a little bit of work (I still have loads to do) and now I'm home rehashing the week. It's 1.20pm now, and I'm hungry and sleepy, so I'll have a bite, a nap and get ready for the weekend.

I haven't written in a while.

And it's already a new year.

I've been pretty much to myself, lately. I mean, yeah, I went out with my friends sometimes, I got them presents, I went for lunch with my sister twice, and I was even present during New Year's Eve at my grandparents'.

I deserve a medal, I tell you.

The rest of the time? Yeah, I've been locked up in my bedroom.

I'm not even sure if I'm depressed, I'm just... empty. It's like the outside world holds nothing for me these days. I just want to stay in my bed, with my covers on my head, or nursing a steaming cup of tea while reading a book.

I find life utterly un-stimulating these days.

I still miss my dog like crazy. Oliver is fun and all, but he'll never replace Tommy.